"All I want to do is smile in the backseat of my friends’ cars, tipsy and laughing at nothing in particular. Finding humor in the way our legs stick together from the heat and you grin back at me, stupid and love with everything all at once. All I want to is to run down grass hills with you and sit on a dock till the sun rises. I only want to drink if later on, I’ll end up on the train tracks, spilling my guts to someone I barely know. I only want to love if it’ll feel like the time I led you to the liquor store roof and tossed pebbles on the sleeping road below, before kissing you and liking the taste of your mouth so much I held your hand the rest of the night. If my face has to be covered in tears, if my fists have to shake with anger, let me surrounded by my friends, crying as one of them strums a ukulele and sings about things I’m too sick to care for. Let me be thousands of miles from my home, uncertain of my own name and throwing up promises. If being young has to ache, let it ache like this. Let it hurt like my heart can’t hold all my desire. Let it hurt like me asking if I could kiss you as you lazily smoked a cigarette and you saying “no.” Let it hurt like the shocked look on your face and him sadly sitting on the steps, aware that I do horrible things when I am sad and that, despite all his insults, it was me who would be the monster if I did what I wanted and fell asleep with my head on your chest. If it has to ache, please, let it ache like this."
If It Has To Ache | Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)